By Terri Romanoff-Newman, PhD, L.P.

When The Parents Are Mad Children Become The Target

As a Licensed Psychologist, Coach, and a Parenting Consultant I work with parents who are in all stages of love, anger, depression, fury, dismay, and just about every emotion that one can imagine in the entire universe.

When parents come in to talk to me about resolving a problem that has to do with their children, they often are so engrossed in one of the above emotions that they cannot see what their negative verbalizing does to the children. So, for the purpose of this article, let’s make believe that every time you yell at one another you are yelling at your children. Every time you spit at one another, you spit at your children, every time you stick out your tongue, you stick out your tongue at your children. Every time you say something bad about one another to a friend or a family member, you say something bad to your children.

By the way, how does that make you feel? A tall order, isn’t it? Do you recall as a child or a teenager what it feels to have some one make fun of you? You may even remember it now. If so, what do you think your children feel as you yell at them, and spit, and stick out your tongue and say bad things to their faces?

I have a reason for all this rambling, can you guess it yet? When you as parents hurt one another you hurt your children by your modeling, overheard phone calls, non-verbal looks and gestures, and the belief that if Mom or Dad is that bad, than so am I. I am part of you. I am part of you, I am bad. I am part of you, I am bad, I am the fault that you two act that way; I made this happen if only I was not so bad-you told me I was bad. I overheard Mom say the word bad and Dad said the word bad. It is my fault. Now I know for good.

You just heard the bad news, but here is the "good news," you have the power to change that forever. If you forget to say negative things and yell and scream and spit and stick out your tongue……just look how much time you will have to eat ice cream read books, kick balls, say "you are a great kid." And we do know how to make decisions and the children do not have to get hurt. Boy, are we smart. There are always a positive ways if you love your children enough.