By Terri Romanoff-Newman, PhD, L.P.
1. Consider their ages and talk in an appropriate manner.
2. Answer questions honestly, but don’t burden them with “mom and dad” information; as to put them in the middle.
3. Reassure them that you love them, that they are NOT the cause of the divorce or the separation and most importantly that they cannot FIX the problem.
4. Be honest. If you do not know where everyone is goes to live, say that, but also say that mom and dad are working on it and will tell everyone when mom and dad have made the decision. Acknowledge that waiting for others to make a decision is really hard; as it is also hard for mom and dad.
5. Let them cry, be angry, go to their room, answer 100 questions, call their friends, take a walk around the block……or whatever is self soothing to them. And every child may react differently. Don’t try to control what they do after you tell them unless they are self destructive.
6. Allow them to see your sadness, but do not excessively cry or be freightingly depressed in front of them, so they feel as if they have to take care of you or worry about you rather than themselves. Parents should always be the ones that children should feel they can come to with their concerns and feelings.
7. You should rehearse what you are going to say together. Do this without blame, shame, or sharing of marital stories. Use words like “We have talked, We have decided, We are going to.” No matter who you think is at fault the children do not need to carry that burden. If they know this it will put them in the middle, disrupt their lives, and put them in the middle.
8. If the children are expressing a lot of emotions and you feel that they need to deal with those in a therapeutic setting, consider having them see a Play Therapist who can be a neutral person to aide them in sorting out what is happening in their lives.
9. If possible, make clear and concrete decisions as soon as both of you are able to so no one suffers any longer than needed. It may take some time if one person really needs to go slower than the other, and this must be respected.
10. Living together for long periods of time while the children are aware of the separation is agony for everyone, so a backup plan is helpful, even if the children stay in the home and the parents move in and out.
11. When a parent does move, be sure to involve the children in that move, such as picking out furniture and paint for their room and going over there for short periods of time until they feel comfortable. It is really helpful if the other parent could participate and help with the transition and support them liking the other home.
12. Do not argue, fight, have negative body language, or deface the other parent in front of the children or they will be put in the middle and be derailed from their important job of just being kids and growing up developmentally. If you are unable to do this, hire a team of a neutral child specialist, coach/parenting consultant to help you accomplish this goal. It will help your children grow up to be healthy people.